The “Insecurity Circle”: How Self-Doubt Destroys Trust and What Leaders Can Do About It
When someone feels insecure about themselves, others are less likely to trust them.
Leaders, this means that when you are feeling insecure about:
· presenting at the conference or the board meeting,
· laying out the new vision to employees,
· delegating key responsibilities to high-performers,
· handling team conflicts,
· applying for the promotion that forces you to level up, or
· for that next-level professional development course
those around you are less likely to trust you, follow you, dig deep for you, or show up with their best selves day after day for you. Which sucks, because those are usually the people you need to do those very things to accomplish what you need to move the organization forward.
The experience of that insecurity can feel like being stuck in a vortex or a loop. I’ve decided to start calling it the Insecurity Circle, not only to reflect that loop but also to play off how it interferes with the Trust Triangle. The Trust Triangle is Frances Frei’s model for building and rebuilding trust between individuals, inside and outside the workplace.
Below is how the circle works, how it interferes with the triangle, and what you can do about it.
The Insecurity Circle Experience: Spinning and Collateral Damage
If Person A feels insecure about themselves, it changes how they interpret the world, affecting how they think and communicate.
Unfortunately, this makes Person B perceive Person A as less authentic, less empathetic, and with weaker judgment. Authenticity, logic, and empathy are the three pillars of the Trust Triangle. Frei found that a breakdown in trust can always be traced back to a decrease or full loss in one of these three areas.
Here’s a way to think about how this happens. Imagine the cartoon Tasmanian devil, spinning out all over the place. Or the game card in Monopoly that says “Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.”
When we get caught in the Insecurity Circle, it’s like our minds are spinning all over the place, leading to collateral damage, of which trust is one. The continued spinning can feel like a jail in your own making. You’re just circling and circling and circling…
Will they follow? Will they buy in? Will they believe you can do it? Will they accept you into the course or select you for the promotion? Are they looking at me that way because they don’t understand or because they think I’m nuts? Do they think I’m not up for this? Will they laugh at my application? If I delegate this out, will it look like I can’t do it? Will they outshine me? Am I cut out for this?...
And oh, so often, if not always, the circle or vortex or spinning–– pick your favorite–– sweeps up your past experiences too. And I mean way past, like childhood or junior high or high school or college or early career. And all the ways we once felt judged, not good enough, or scared get caught up in the present moment.
The Insecurity Circle: Breaking the Trust Triangle
As you try to cope with the insecurity, you might put on airs or overmanage how you present yourself, as you try to “act as if” or act “like a leader.” This sabotages your relatability and honesty, leaving people to wonder who you really are. It can happen at the subconscious level, but it will happen. The double-edged sword is that your desire to be seen as capable makes you seem less capable. Thus, losing their perception of you as authentic.
You may construct your written or spoken communication too carefully, using phrases or words that you think will make you sound smart but make you sound unrelatable or unapproachable. You may sound like you don’t fully own your positions. Your tone may sound robotic or inhuman. The double-edged sword is that your fear of not sounding smart makes you sound either not smart or pompous. Thus, losing their perception of you as logical.
And because self-insecurity looks inward, you lose empathy. Your insecurity may start from a place of empathy. The double-edged sword is that you care so much about the client or the employee or the team or the organization’s success that you strive for impeccability or perfection, which triggers your doubt that you can achieve it. Sending you into the Insecurity Circle. And as soon as that happens, your thoughts are on you. Your concerns are about you and others’ perception of you. Thus, losing their perception of you as empathetic.
How To Reduce Insecurity and Build Trust
Frei’s TED Talk on the Trust Triangle is beautiful, and I highly recommend watching it or registering for her Office Hours Live discussions that address it. She outlines ways to identify which of the three anchors of trust you might struggle with most, and how to act.
I wrote a piece for the Falls Church Independent, breaking down how we build confidence, and a shorter version here on LinkedIn.
I posted earlier this month a checklist for decision-making under pressure (and pressure can be self-inflicted, like the Insecurity Circle). This checklist will help you work through the swirling thoughts and focus on what you need to.
It’s important to trace symptoms to the source. And this requires us to break out of the listicle.
Researchers have found that insecurity can be an overall feeling, related to many aspects of your life, or specific to the work, role, or organization you work in.
If you have been feeling insecure across all or most areas of your life, particularly for an extended period, I recommend talking with a therapist who holds an active license. You can identify one through your insurance company or the Psychology Today directory. You can also try your work benefits’ Employee Assistance Program (EAP) as a starting point.
If you feel like your insecurities are more specifically about the workplace, such as public speaking, delegating, leading a restructuring, hitting exponential growth targets, etc., you might start with a credentialed coach or consulting psychology professional.
You can also work with both a therapist and a coach simultaneously.
I’m often asked what the difference is between coaching and therapy. Many of my therapy and coaching colleagues and I describe the difference as follows: Therapy is present-past, and coaching is present-future.
Is It Your Past Haunting You or Your Present Expectations?
Sometimes, for myself or my clients, the issue is the expectations I have for myself/themselves or the ones I assume others have of me. If it’s my own, I simply need to take a breath, take a beat, and remind myself that:
Whatever happens, I will handle it
Excellence over perfection
Progress, not podium (as Katie Ledecky has said)
Pressure is a privilege (as the UVA Swim Team says)
If the situation warrants, I will also have a conversation to clarify expectations with the client, teammate, strategic partner, or whoever is currently receiving my Insecurity Circle but needs to receive my Trust Triangle— so to speak.
I may also work through this with my coach, or my client will work through this with me.
Other times, though, the situation is triggering a past trauma, perhaps from childhood. And that is where therapy comes in. A client will need to work through that past traumatic experience and how it is showing up for them today, so the experience is no longer so alive for them, no longer haunting them or holding them back. Depending on the situation, you might work with CBT tools or EMDR, for example.
This is why it’s important to trace symptom to source so you can take effective and appropriate action.
If you think coaching is a good first step, you can schedule a 15-minute complimentary discussion with me on my website here.
Why it Matters
Self-trust, self-esteem, self-confidence…the opposite of self-insecurity is the foundation for pretty much everything, from mental and physical well-being to healthy personal and professional relationships, to your ability to lead to your full potential and help others deliver theirs.
Academic research supports this. And shows that when a leader is trusted by their staff, or an employee is trusted by their supervisor or colleagues, it directly and indirectly affects performance and productivity in the workplace.
A few references to nerd out with: I’ve been using the word insecurity, but researchers typically use “self-esteem” or “self-efficacy”.
Baquero A. (2023). Authentic Leadership, Employee Work Engagement, Trust in the Leader, and Workplace Well-Being: A Moderated Mediation Model. Psychology research and behavior management, 16, 1403–1424. https://doi.org/10.2147/PRBM.S407672
LAU, D. C., LAM, L. W., & WEN, S. S. (2014). Examining the effects of feeling trusted by supervisors in the workplace: A self-evaluative perspective. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 35(1), 112–127. https://www.jstor.org/stable/26610887
Pierce, J. L., & Gardner, D. G. (2004). Self-Esteem Within the Work and Organizational Context: A Review of the Organization-Based Self-Esteem Literature. Journal of Management, 30(5), 591-622. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jm.2003.10.001