Check Yourself Before You Stress Yourself: A Checklist for Decision-Making Under Pressure
A good chunk of my work is essentially helping people manage negative feelings and thoughts tied to something that happened in connection with work.
It’s more than “stress management” techniques. Not to knock them completely, they have a role, but I find personally and through the course of my work with others that they have several limitations—maybe one resonates? I’d love to hear—examples of which include:
The tool/technique(s) (e.g., app, spa, bath, face mask, adult coloring, meditation, yoga, etc.) marketed as the salve feels tone deaf, coming from a place of privilege requiring time and/or money that many do not have.
The tool/technique(s) marketed as the salve aren’t enjoyable.
The tool/technique(s) marketed as the salve don’t seem applicable to their daily work or schedule.
The tool/technique(s) marketed as the salve don’t solve. As in, they serve as Band-Aids. They help someone feel better in the moment, but do not reduce the frequency or intensity that one’s work overwhelms, the client frustrates, the boss annoys, the traffic angers, and so on.
What I, and colleagues in my field and adjacent fields (e.g., coaches, therapists), try to do, is to reduce the frequency and intensity that people feel these negatives so deeply that it interferes with their ability to see a situation clearly, interpret a person’s intentions accurately, and acknowledge their own contributions to the situation, for better or worse.
If that sounds appealing, here’s something you can try to help you get started. It’s a simple––not easy––checklist to use when something happens that sparks frustration, anger, anxiousness, sadness, fear, insecurity, overwhelm, etc. Or when you feel like you have to take swift action to put out a proverbial fire. Tips for implementation follow.
A Checklist to Check Yourself Before You Stress Yourself
What emotions am I feeling?
How might they be influencing how I see this situation?
How might they influence my current desired response to this situation?
Who else is involved in this situation?
How might my relationship to each of them influence how I see this situation?
How might my relationship to each of them influence my current desired response to this situation?
How might my relationship to each of them influence my contributions to this situation?
How might their relationship to me influence their contributions to this situation?
How might their broader context (pressures they are under at work/home, their lack of sleep, their hunger or thirst level, their skills or limitations, their insecurities, etc.) influence their contributions to this situation?
How might my broader context influence my contributions to this situation?
How might my broader context influence my interpretation of this situation?
How might my broader context influence my current desired response to this situation?
What goals do I have that might be influencing how I interpret this situation?
How might my goals be influencing my current desired response to this situation?
What fears do I have that might be influencing how I interpret this situation?
How might my fears be influencing my current desired response to this situation?
How might my values be influencing how I interpret this situation?
How might my values be influencing my current desired response to this situation?
How might my past experiences be influencing how I interpret this situation?
How might my past experiences be influencing my current desired response to this situation?
What could go wrong, including ripple effects, following my decision?
What could go right, including ripple effects, following my decision?
What might happen if I did nothing?
What is the “Devil’s Advocate” position?
Based on all the above, what is the most true and helpful interpretation of this situation?
Based on all the above, what is the most effective decision in response to this situation?
Tips to Implement
First, yes, it’s a long checklist. And yes, it will be hard to remember to do it in the moment. That’s an inherent problem with any tool that helps us dial down an emotional charge. When we are charged, it’s hard to think straight. Which means it’s hard to remember to use the tool, at least initially.
So, the tips are:
1) Keep this thing handy so that you can immediately turn to it as soon as you become aware of your thoughts/feelings.
2) Remember that the more you practice noticing those thoughts/feelings and working through this list, the easier it will be during a “charge” to notice and turn to this checklist on average. You won’t be great at first because it’s new. The more you practice, the better you will get.
Disclaimer: Some situations are more challenging than others. A stubbed toe is annoying and painful, and not at all the same annoyance and pain as being yelled at by a client, co-worker, or boss. Nor on the same level as a terminal illness. This checklist is for daily work annoyances and is in no way meant to replace therapy, medical help, or coaching.
3) One way to start using this checklist is at the end of the day or week. Look back on your day/week and select a situation that threw you off, that you did not handle as the best version of you. Use the checklist to explore what happened and why you reacted the way you did.
Save these reflections and, well, reflect on the reflections. Look for patterns. Patterns are extremely helpful in breaking our habitual reactions to things. These patterns are also great data to bring to your therapist or coach if you are currently working with one or begin to.
Why This Works
The thing is, we make our feelings with the stories we tell ourselves about the 1) situation happening to or around us, and 2) the sensations we feel inside of us, such as the sweaty palms, clenched jaw, rapid heart, scrunched forehead...
Our stories are also shaped by our insecurities, our relationships, our needs from those relationships or that moment, our physical state—how hungry or tired or cold we are, for example, our past experiences that seem similar or drastically different, the amount of information we have about the situation or the person, and so on.
And it is the story that churns feelings that drives our sense of, in the cases that we are talking about, stress. Though they could also drive happiness, contentment, or satisfaction, etc.
So, if you want to really dial down the stress, change the story.
This does not mean “toxic positivity.” This reframing process is not about ignoring your feelings. It’s about acknowledging them and then working through them. It’s about exploring all sides of the issue so that you can interpret the situation, the others involved, and your own contributions clearly and accurately, and make the most informed and effective decision possible.
See if this analogy works for you: It’s like looking at the situation through a kaleidoscope. You sometimes just need a few clicks to get the best view.
Neuroscientist Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett has an excellent explainer video on this available here.
Bottom Line
Essentially, the goal of this checklist and much of the work colleagues and I do is to teach you how to take a timeout when the negative thoughts/feelings hit. Think through the situation fully, hence the length of the checklist. Then you can act.
It’s not enough to “Think Before You Speak.” We humans have too many biases and habits to see situations, other people, and ourselves objectively. We will never fully be able to, in fact.
Instead, you must, we all must, Think Before You Think. We must challenge our initial lines of thought. Explore them fully. Put ourselves in the minds and experiences of others as best we can. Only then will we be able to get close to objectivity and thus respond rather than react.
For those familiar with Chris Argyris’ work, this is essentially double-loop learning applied to us at the individual level.
For those familiar with the Viktor Frankl quote, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
The checklist is meant to help you figure out what to do in that space. I’ve found it’s not enough just to tell people to pause, to breathe, to find “space”.
It’s an amazing quote, but we must make it actionable. The goal of this checklist is to help you do just that. It’s not the only tool of its kind, but I hope it helps where other tools might not have.